I’ve been trying to write this post for months. Years, even. I just haven’t had the words to adequately express what it is I want to say. I still don’t feel like I have them, honestly.
But, here I am. Making a feeble attempt to at least try.
No Words
It is difficult to describe what it means to have a supportive husband. He isn’t fighting against me as I walk through this new and unfamiliar life. He’s not abandoning me, leaving me to fend for myself. And he’s not speaking against me, causing me to feel attacked or shameful of the decisions I make. Instead, he’s walking right along with me, offering words of truth and life and hope over me, willing to face head-on whatever we might discover along the way of this new life together.
And that is…powerful.
For many years, I believed that I would never get married. I was content by myself and I certainly “didn’t need no man” to make me happy. In fact, I didn’t need a man for anything. I could figure it all out and make my way through life just fine by myself.
And that’s not untrue. I can figure stuff out on my own and make my way through life. I do it often. The difference is that, since getting married, I don’t have to now.
Somewhere along the chaotic road of my childhood, I’d bought into the lie that I wasn’t worth fighting for, particularly by a man. I had to fight for myself. No one else would. Especially a man.
But I was wrong.
I first began to see this lie through my relationship with the Lord as He began to show me times where He had, indeed, fought for me. Times when I didn’t even know or believe that He was with me.
And now, here’s this human man fighting for me each and every day, in the ways that he loves, supports and challenges me.
Better Together
Scott battled alongside me in the decision to leave traditional full-time employment. He turned over every pro and con just as I did, asking questions, probing my heart and listening to my soul, giving me the freedom and blessing to do what would make me happy. And then, when I couldn’t make the decision myself, he boldly and bravely took up the mantle of being my protector, my spiritual covering and the leader of our household and went to the Lord on my behalf. Asking for His guidance and being willing to submit to His leadership and take the responsibility upon himself for whatever decision was made, even if it ended up being the “wrong” decision.
He’s willing to work extra side gigs in order to continue to progress toward our financial dreams and goals. All the while, still encouraging me not to go back to work. Not yet. Not until, if and when that “work” is from the Lord, fulfilling and purposeful, and not about a paycheck for me.
It’s baffling at times. It’s difficult at times. I often want to go out and get another job, any job, just to take the load and pressure off of him and to ease our financial life a little more. I still struggle with feeling like I’m not doing my part, being irresponsible and lazy or that I am (or will become) the stereotypical “housewife” that spends all the money he works hard to provide while not doing a damn thing to help him provide it and then still complaining that he doesn’t provide enough.
And yet, he continues to assure me of the opposite. Scott consistently reminds me that the decision for me to leave full-time employment was not made by me, but by us.
We made it together.
And, therefore, we will deal with the repercussions together.
No, I am not alone in this new life. I am not even by myself. I am supported and loved and encouraged and challenged and joined by my husband each day in pursuing what it is the Lord is leading me to do and nothing else.
And that is a profound and powerful blessing.
