Is anyone else in their mid-thirties wondering what they want to be when they grow up?
I often hear people talk about what they used to want to be when they grew up. They talk about what they dreamed of doing or who they dreamed of being. They talk about forgetting about who they dreamed of becoming and then, for the lucky ones, rediscovering it at some point in their adult life, taking a brave leap and pursuing that thing when they were in their mid-thirties or forties or even later in life. People praise them and say “wow, what an amazing story!” and “how inspiring!” and other such things about them.
And then there’s me.
Childhood Dreams
I don’t recall ever having a dream when I was younger. I don’t ever recall thinking to myself, “When I grow up, I want to be a fill-in-the-blank.”
Like. Ever.
Is that weird? Sometimes I feel like it must be weird. Other times I feel like it just is what it is. Maybe lots of people have never really known what they wanted to do or be when they grew up, we just never really hear about them because they’re not as interesting or inspiring or whatever. Who knows.
But, regardless, it seems to be very true of me. I don’t have any clue who I want to be or what I want to do with my life. I don’t even have a little girl version of me that I can rediscover that gives me an idea of who that person would be. It’s just blank.
Maybe that’s because I didn’t have the kind of childhood that fostered dreaming. There was a lot of chaos and uncertainty throughout my childhood. My parents’ relationship was violent when I was younger and then, after they divorced, my mother’s relationship with us kids was volatile. She did the best she could with what she had available to her and she raised us well but, due to her (undiagnosed for many years) mental illness(es), it was not an easy or “normal” childhood by any stretch of the imagination. Perhaps that made it hard for me to dream about doing or being anything in the future except surviving. I don’t know.
What I do know is that I am now in my mid-thirties and clueless as to who I want to be or want I want to do for the rest of my life. There are so many things I am interested in doing and even have various levels of skills and or talents in doing but I don’t have any idea which one of them to focus on. Or even if I should focus on just one of them.
All The Things
My head says I should definitely focus on just one, maybe two, of them because otherwise, I won’t get anywhere with any of them. I think of J.R.R. Tolkien’s character Bilbo Baggins says “The Fellowship of the Ring,”
I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
If I do too many things at once, I’ll feel stretched too thin and certainly won’t accomplish much, if anything, in any of them.
But, my heart says “Man, why can’t I do them all?! I mean, who’s stopping me except…well…me?!” I’ve been doing one thing, for the most part, for the last decade and it nearly sucked my soul dry. Why not try doing more things? I was created in the image of a Creator who does multiple things, who’s to say I can’t (or shouldn’t) myself?
I’m not kidding when I say there are many interests! And they span both sides of my brain. There are interests that are planted firmly in the creative side of my brain while others are in the analytical or logical side. And then, there are a few, that seem to live in both. Here’s a list of the most common ones I come back to on a regular basis (in no particular order):
- photography
- personal finance coaching
- accounting & financial analysis
- owning a coffee bar
- writing & speaking
- music
- horses
- (fairly new but strong) flower farming & floral design
And I don’t know what to do with a single one of them. Not really anyway. Some of them I’ve pursued (and are still pursuing) to some extent already and others I’ve just kind of left alone. But, the truth of the matter is that I don’t know which ones to pursue more seriously.
Oh, the many interests I have!!
The Faith of Self-Discovery
I envy the people who know exactly what they want to do with their life either because they had a dream when they were little that they rediscover (or, even better, have always been able to pursue) or because they just figure it out themselves through a process of self-discovery. I love being able to watch those people live out their dreams and find success in them. It gives me encouragement and hope for my own life.
I feel like I’ve been working through my own self-discovery process for at least a year though, truthfully, it’s more like my entire adult life. And I don’t have any concrete answers yet. Obviously. But that doesn’t mean they won’t come. I have too much faith in myself and, more importantly, my heavenly Father to believe that I’m doomed to live in a state of confusion forever. Clarity and purpose will come in time, in God’s perfect time. I just need to keep seeking Him, keep discovering myself and then wait and trust the process in the meantime.
